a hiccup

my eyes are swollen and my face is a mess.

its the same thing I've been embattling for years: getting over the fact that you can do your honest best, pour heart and soul into something, and still have it fall apart in your own hands. You can even go all self sacrificial with the best intentions at heart, and still have it ungraciously thrown back at your face. This used to puzzle me, but I finally understood what it means when they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

But atleast I can look back without regret, that despite the lousy outcome, I still did my best, I managed my time, I identified problems and instead of pretending they weren't there, I gave up sleep to solve them, I was never selfish and I did what I thought was right.

I need to scrape myself off the floor and start working on improving myself. I need to really love myself. Value my time, my efforts. To stop selling myself cheap by self sacrificing. I need to stop blaming myself for everything that goes wrong. I need to stop taking it upon myself to accomodate everybody and their wants. Because if I don't love myself, nobody will. No one's gonna go out of their way- not with their own problems & distractions - to take care of me and my feelings.

God is my strength. And if asked, I can deliver the sky. I just need to believe.